SAD IS NOT BAD
Welcome Reader,
I’m so happy to introduce another story that has been heavy on my heart for over three years. I had the concept of it but wasn’t sure how to tell this subject matter to a child until it clicked after my last training event for our foster kids. “SAD IS NOT BAD” is a recurring phrase used in foster camp for us mentors to work kids with fluctuating emotions. A child can be so happy and cheerful, then quickly turn to melancholy or regretful and stay in that emotion for hours. At camp, the therapy dog Tahoe is called over to bring comfort and connection to the child when words and other actions by us humans fail. So Tahoe the therapy dog became the “main character” in this story. In the story, the 9 different types of sad emotions are represented by color. There is an illustration and a poem to describe what that emotion feels like inside each of us and looks like physically on the outside. Then Tahoe offers three suggestions (based on TBRI® by Karen Purvis and Dr. John Gottman) The research I applied to the story is below
| EMOTION | TBRI® (Karyn Purvis) | ||
| Blue | Sadness often signals an unmet need for connection or regulation. A quiet child may be in “freeze” mode. The priority is felt safety and co-regulation — the adult becomes the child’s “external modem” by staying calm, offering gentle presence, and meeting basic physical needs (snack, water, rest, movement). | Notice even low-intensity sadness as an opportunity for connection. Label it (“You seem quiet and a little blue today”) and stay present without rushing to fix it. | When you feel quiet and gray inside, come sit close. We can have a snack or drink water together and just be still for a minute. You’re not alone in the gray.” |
| Longing | Longing often comes from ruptured relationships. Healing happens through connection — safe touch, eye contact, voice, and giving the child a voice to express the ache. Rituals and predictable connection help rebuild trust. | ghjghjgh | |
| Disappointed | Disappointment is often fear-based (“I hoped it would be different”). Meet it with empowering (physical regulation first) + connecting (stay close and give voice). Use playful engagement and choices to restore a sense of control. | hjghjghj | ghjghj |
| Lonely | Loneliness signals a deep need for connection and felt safety. The child needs to experience “I cry and you come.” Use nurturing touch, eye contact, and playful engagement to rebuild the sense that they matter and belong. | ghjghjghj | ghjghj |
| Regret | Regret can feel like shame. TBRI emphasizes correcting without shaming — give the child voice to say what happened, offer behavioral “redos,” and focus on the child’s preciousness (behavior ≠ identity). Repair happens in relationship. | ghjghj | ghjghj |
| Vulnerable | Vulnerability feels unsafe for children from hard places. The goal is to increase felt safety so the child can lower their guard. Stay calm, use soft voice and presence, and never force sharing. | ghjghjgh | ghjghjgh |
| Frustrated | Frustration often masks fear or unmet physical needs. Start with Empowering (food, water, movement, sensory input) and give voice and choices. Use playful engagement and the IDEAL response (Immediate, Direct, Efficient, Action-based, Leveled). | ghjghj | ghjghj |
| Grief | Grief involves ruptured hope and relationships. Healing requires connection while allowing the pain. Stay present, let the child tell their story in their own time, and use rituals (balloons for letting go, memory sharing). Co-regulation is essential. | ghjghj | ghjghjhg |
| Hopeless | Hopelessness signals the child feels they have no voice or control. Restore felt safety and agency through small choices, predictable routines, and consistent connection. One safe relationship can begin to rewire the sense of “no one comes.” | ghjghj | ghjghj |
1. Blue
•
• Gottman Emotion Coaching: Notice even low-intensity sadness as an opportunity for connection. Label it (“You seem quiet and a little blue today”) and stay present without rushing to fix it.
Tahoe Says: When you feel quiet and gray inside, come sit close. We can have a snack or drink water together and just be still for a minute. You’re not alone in the gray.”
2. Longing
• TBRI®:
• Gottman: Validate the longing (“It makes sense you miss them — they’re important to you”) and help the child name it so the feeling doesn’t get stuck.
Tahoe says: When you miss someone, it’s okay to say their name out loud or look at a picture. We can talk about a happy memory or plan one small way to feel close to them.”
3. Disappointed
• Gottman: See disappointment as a normal, teachable moment. Empathize first (“That didn’t turn out the way you hoped”), then gently explore what might help next time.
Tahoe says: When things don’t turn out the way you wanted, it’s okay to feel the ouch. We can take a breath, name what you hoped for, and think of one small thing that could help right now.”
4. Lonely
• TBRI®:
• Gottman: Validate the loneliness without minimizing it. Help the child label it and explore safe ways to reach out.
• Blended remedy: “Buddy says: When you feel like no one is near, come find me or a safe person. We can sit together, do something side-by-side, or reach out to someone who cares about you.”
5. Regret (sorry sad – broken toy you wish you’d fixed)
• TBRI®: • Gottman: Help the child label regret and separate the action from their worth. Support making amends when appropriate and learning from it.
• Blended remedy: “Buddy says: When you wish you could go back and do something differently, it’s brave to say so. We can talk about what happened, say sorry if it helps someone, and think about what you might do next time.”
6. Vulnerable (shaky sad – standing without a shield)
• TBRI®:
• Gottman: Validate how scary it feels to be open. Model that showing feelings is brave and safe with the right people.
• Blended remedy: “Buddy says: When your heart feels open and wobbly, you don’t have to show it to everyone. You can choose one safe person and share just a little. I’m right here with you.”
7. Frustrated (stuck sad – knot that won’t come undone)
• TBRI®:
• Gottman: Label the frustration clearly, validate it, then move to problem-solving together (“What can we try?”).
• Blended remedy: “Buddy says: When you feel stuck and want to huff and puff, first let’s move our bodies or get a drink. Then we can break the big problem into one tiny step and try again together.”
8. Grief (deep sad – dark wave covering the heart)
• TBRI®:
• Gottman: Stay emotionally present. Allow big tears and name the loss. Don’t rush to “make it better.”
• Blended remedy: “Buddy says: When the sadness feels like a big dark wave, it’s okay to cry or be quiet. I’ll stay right here with you. We can hold a special memory or talk about the person when you’re ready.”
9. Hopeless (dark sad – tunnel with no light)
• TBRI®: • Gottman: Validate how heavy it feels. Help name the hopelessness, then gently explore one tiny thing that could bring a bit of light or help.
• Blended remedy: “Buddy says: When everything feels dark and nothing seems okay, you don’t have to carry it alone. Sit with me, tell me one small hard thing, and we can look for one tiny good thing together. Feelings can change with time and help.”
These perspectives beautifully complement each other:
TBRI focuses heavily on felt safety, co-regulation, and meeting the whole child (body + relationship).
Gottman focuses on emotional validation, labeling, and using feelings as connection moments.
