Faith Over Fear
I’m a pretty open person, who is mostly known for oversharing…especially oversharing my opinion. At this time in my life, I have learned that it’s better to be asked for your opinion because most people wont value it if its given so freely. We all have to experience life ourselves and learn lessons in our own time. It took me almost 50 years to learn this. I converse about politics on twitter, I share Bible verses on Instagram, and try to give unsolicited life advice to the younger generation through DM’s. My intention is to help others and to create dialogue and understanding.
But I’ve lived with one secret that I didn’t share for over 20 years. It is the one piece of advice that actually could have made a difference and literally saved a life. It is the one secret that kept me from living a fearless life and instead I punished myself for the worse choice I ever made.
“There is one piece of advice I should have shared that could have made a difference and actually saved a life.”
A year ago, I shared my secret with my husband. We dropped our only child off at college and spent the evening talking about what our future would look like. He expressed his desire for us to be partners, or ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ again, and no longer our daughter’s mom. He is always saying, ‘you are the most talented person I know but you are too scared to show it.’ That is when I broke down and broke through. I shared my secret: I had an abortion at age 24 years old.
When I made the choice to have an abortion, it was for only one reason, SELFISHNESS based on fear. I got pregnant because I was having unprotected sex with my boyfriend. All the people I surrounded myself with were doing “it.” We were told that, “if you get pregnant you have a choice, just get an abortion.” The person I was dating agreed to do whatever I wanted and probably would have chosen life, but he said what men were supposed to say at the time, “you do what is best for you. I’ll support you no matter what.”
I didn’t really think much about the abortion after that. I began my career, met my husband, and then got pregnant after we’ve been married for.only a year. Then I thought about the abortion, six years after it happened. Thoughts like, “I hope I have a healthy baby but if I don’t, I’ll understand.”. I thought, if I have a healthy baby I will be the best mom that ever walked this earth. I will never ask for another child and I will pour all my love and attention into this baby. Praise GOD, I gave birth to a healthy baby girl and never asked for anything more.
‘I hope I have a healthy baby but if I don’t, I’ll understand.’
After the first year of her life, I had an idea for a children’s series. I was passionate about creating content for babies and preschoolers that kept reading in their lives when parents were not. This was in 2001 when video for babies were controversial. Parents would put their kids in front of the “video” and if the kid was happy the parent was happy. But reading together was becoming less shared and the content for the preschoolers was busy, loud, and aggressive. I believe kids need simple, friendly, and real content at a young age. So I created Beobi and the Magic Coloring Book. A book, video, interactive series for preschoolers consisting of books, DVDs, plush toys, dual sided CDROMS. I spent five years sharing this wonderful property with families, preschools, and even pitched it as a television show with my agent. But then fear overtook me.
But then fear overtook me….Again.
I saw how the internet was ‘forever’. I saw how if someone found out something about you and chose to share it online, it could destroy someones life work instantaneously. I started to tell myself I was NOT worthy to have a children’s book property because I had an abortion. So I stepped away from my passion and used the excuse, “I’m just going to be a mom and do the best job at being her mom.” And I was a good mom. I am very proud of the mom I am to my daughter. Everyone who meets her tells me, I did a good job. (Even though I know it was her that did it.)
After I shared my secret with my husband, he replied with, “now everything makes sense…Your commitment to our daughter all these years, and your holding yourself back from working towards God’s purpose for you..” He said God knew what I had done this whole time and HE wasn’t punishing me, I was punishing myself. That is what they don’t tell you when you make a choice to end a life. IT IS A LIFE YOU ARE ENDING. If you know the Ten Commandments it says, ‘thou shalt not kill.’ The other fact not widely shared about abortion is, women will feel the effects of abortion in so many ways after; even if it didn’t physically harm the woman: there is immeasurable emotional scarring and repressed self depracatng that manifests itself throughout her life.
After I forgave myself, I was seeing the topic of Roe vs Wade come up again in our politics. I saw young girls holding signs up that read, “it’s her body her choice.” I saw tweets that said, “I got an abortion today and I was so pissed cuz they were out of paper towels.” People were being so nonchalant about ending a life. I did my own research on Roe vs Wade. I learned the entire case was based on a lie; it was merely a byproduct of the feminist movement. I watched the movie, UNPLANNED and sat in my car for an hour afterwards and just sobbed. Abby Johnson’s real story made me realize I had to share the truth and stop living in fear.
I told my daughter. She was sad for me that I’ve been holding onto all of that pain, but it made sense to her why I loved her so hard. (LOL) I shared it with my mom and she was sad I went through that alone. She wished I would have come to her and let me talk it out with her. I shared it with a few other acquaintances only to learn many of them have had multiple abortions. They weren’t affected by their choice at all like I was (they also weren’t practicing any sort of faith or religion in their life). It is my opinion, people who have a spiritual connection to a higher God they tend to feel most regret for past mistakes.
“in 2020, I told God whatever doors he puts in front of me, I was going to walk through them.”
So now we are here in 2020. I told God whatever doors he put in front of me, I was going to walk through them. No more making excuses or living in fear. The first door I walked through led me to find the illustrator for my Arangatanga Museum Stories. I will blog about that life changing moment soon. The second door was taking the Washington, D.C. trip I blogged about in a previous post. And now I am walking through the third door. The door that shares my heart and love for creating children’s products and opening them up for all the world to see. I have no fear anymore and since putting my faith first, I have published three stories and two more will be complete by 2021. I made a terrible ignorant selfish choice over 25 years ago and ended my babies life…(that is so hard to say out loud)
But now I am giving birth to 4 monkeys, a bird, a dog and a museum curator named Don at the young age of 49 year. My stories and intent are the same; I want to create colorful, interactive and educational content that can be shared together with parent and child.
“Now I am giving birth to 4 monkeys, a bird, a dog and a museum curator named Don.”
I hope my experience will make someone realize that prochoice should not mean choosing to end an unwanted pregnancy alone. Pro choice should instead make you look at all your choices; whether that is adoption, keeping the baby yourself, or choosing abstinence until you are ready for a lifelong commitment. Whatever you choose, make a conscience decision out of love, not fear or selfishness. From here on out, I will always choose life and to put my faith over my fear.
Thank you for hearing my story. I hope it helps someone choose life, because life is beautiful when we choose love.
